***This was also from my “other” blog, posted originally on feb. 24th, 2013***
I’d like to say a few things about myself. Here are some negative things:
I scream. I yell and curse and say “fuck” a lot when I’m mad. I get really crazy rage feeling like I’m bursting at the seams with emotion, all of them shades of hate and anger. I lash out at those I love. Maybe because I’m trying to push them away. Maybe because I know they’ll still love me. Either way, it’s no fun for either of us, and it’s not fair. It’s mean and scary and hateful.
I do not like myself. I am the exact opposite of the #1 fan when it comes to me. I have a hard time saying nice things about myself without sarcasm or immediately negating it in the next sentence. For example: “Yeah, I think I’m a pretty good writer. I mean sometimes. Well, no, not at all, I pretty much suck, but, whatevs.”
I stress eat. I don’t know if it’s like binge eating or anything that you could really diagnose, but I definitely eat when I feel anything bad or sad or even when I get sick and I’m not hungry, I eat. This TOTALLY helps my weight and therefore, my self esteem.
Here are some positive things:
K, having a hard time with this one.
Okay, I’m super loyal to my friends and family. This past weekend I went home to see them all since my parents had come to visit me in St. Louis (I’m from Minnesota originally.) I got so stressed out trying to fit in a decent amount of time with everyone I overreacted to something and ended up crying in front of my friend. If I could I would have spent four days with just one of them. I felt like I couldn’t really devote enough time to anyone, but I think they all knew how much I loved being there.
I am somewhat talented in a few things, like writing and crocheting and playing trombone and singing. I have a B.A. in Music, which is about as useful as a B.A. in English (think “Avenue Q”) but hey, at least it’s a good conversation starter.
I’m GREAT at social situations. Sometimes I can be overly aggressive depending on the circumstances in which i meet people, but I’ve worked hard at just being pleasant and not letting my out-going nature get out of hand. Usually it gets that way when I’m either over-confident or nervous, so I just try to keep myself in check and try not to talk too much ( I talk a. lot.) So, usually, I come off as nice and kinda funny and fun.
I’m just putting this out there. I’d like to try and be honest somewhere where it doesn’t necessarily matter. Also, if anyone else is looking to relate to someone who is not that great, but trying to be better, why not me? I’m going to try to write every day, but I’m not sure if that will stick. Hopefully it does.