Tag Archives: love

There be Tree Dragons in there!

He hath conquered the tree!

He hath conquered the tree!

Forest Park on the first nice day I’ve been able to enjoy.  Sometimes I love to wander and make up games and climb things that I’m able to climb.  Not pictured: a sand mound that was taller than me = lots of sand in my shoes.  This, however, is the secret lair of the Tree Dragon!!!!   Which doesn’t breathe fire = probably for the best.  Hey, I don’t make the rules, Matt does, as is obvious from his conquering nature captured in a rare moment atop the Tree Dragon Lair.  We did not spy the tree dragon, but it lurks it does . . .

This is basically my way of saying last Thursday Matt and I thoroughly enjoyed prancing through the park for a couple hours before I went to office max and bought ORANGE pens and white out and I felt it deserved a mention because hanging out with him is pretty much awesome the end.

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Filed under Fitness, happiness abounds, Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Faith

I think about being a parent.  I think about it about as much as I plan my wedding in my head.  I’m pretty cliched when it comes to that, so I think you will understand that it’s a lot and a half.

I worry about the kids I don’t have yet.  My biggest worry is that they will be unkind.  I also worry that they’ll hate me and make poor choices that punish themselves in hopes to punish me and my spouse.

I worry about the grandparents.  What they’ll think about my way of doing things to bring up that child.

My final worry is their faith.  By no means is this a complete list of my worries and fears, but this one is both the last and one of the greatest.  I put it at the bottom of the list because I haven’t figured out my own.  I am not religious.  I don’t believe that Jesus is my savior.  Or any of the other profits.  I hate to call myself agnostic, but then again, I’m not sure what else I would be categorized as.  I’m a person who is okay, good even, with labels, so I’m okay with one not sticking to me right now.  I’ll let the faith label slide.

So, today, I want to post what my faith feels like right now, and what I hope to teach my unborn children.

Faith, from my perspective, is severely influenced.  I’ve thought so since I was in the 4th grade.  I remember have the conversation with my friend Kendra Lee who went to a non-denominational church.  I had attended church with her, as I had with quite a few friends growing up.  It was fun and had games and prizes and a movie and a puppet show – far from my experience with my family, both branches of which were Catholic.  I asked her during a sleep over, when I was in 4th grade, how she could claim that Jesus was the one and only savior?  Her faith was unwavering, which is normal in the heart of a child.  I asked her, what if a man in China, who was Buddhist, or whatever (I wasn’t sure) but something other than Christian, was raised Buddhist, married, had a wife and children, which he raised Buddhist.  He was a good man, hard working, loving, kind, charitable, and did all he could to be a good person.  What if this person was never introduced to Christ?  Or, even if he was, does he automatically go to Hell for not knowing, or not believing?  Her answer was a resounding YES.

And I lost what inkling of faith I had in Jesus Christ.  I felt stirrings of faith, usually when I attended COW or Church On Wednesdays with my friends in High School – usually with the songs.  For whatever reason, those cheesy Christian rock/pop-esque songs spoke to me, I would feel joy as they praised Him.  I would sing along – it’s never been difficult for me to pick up a tune and lyrics – and it felt like praise to something larger than myself.  But it would die out once the Youth Pastor began to speak about spreading “The Word.”  It has always felt arrogant to me, to preach that yours is the one true way. How the heck do WE know?  Isn’t it POSSIBLE that God would present themselves as different things to different cultures?  Really, that’s never been something you’ve pondered?  Isn’t it POSSIBLE that the humans who relayed this message, who wrote these stories, were trying to steer people to the light, by any means necessary?  In the United States, politicians are known to base their decisions on faith.  Take, for example, the Representative who based his Pro-Life position on his faith.  I respect his faith, but not his decision to impose it on his constituents, because here we have a democracy held up by a republic, and therefore your decisions should be based on creating policies that are beyond your personal faith.  But, when the religions were being created, there was no such separation.  In many countries there still isn’t.  So, to say that my God is right and your God is wrong and to believe in them, or to not believe in mine, means you are punished for all time, I’m sorry, but I can’t stand by that.

It also felt arrogant to pretend I had a personal relationship with God.  At heart I am a humble, to the point of destructive, person.  Why would He do good things for me, just because I asked? This is why, when I prayed, I prayed either for good weather (for my family’s annual trip to Valley Fair (like Six Flags but in MN, so therefore more awesome)) or for my brother.  As a big sister I have always worried about my younger brother.  School, social life, dealing with parents, it always seemed harder for him.  He was sensitive, growing up, and I wanted to protect him.  I wanted God to protect him, to show him the way, to be strong when he couldn’t, and to help him stay safe, to open up to the love his family had for him.  I felt that if I were praying for someone else, then those might get rewarded.  I still feel that it’s selfish to pray for myself.  So, if I do pray, you can bet it will be for you rather than me.  There are a lot of self-esteem issues wrapped up in that, not being able to hope good things for yourself and all of that, but I still find it to be a noble task.

So where does this bring me?  I truly believe that had I stayed with and married Steve, I would probably have found my love for Catholicism.  Being that I love Matt, I find myself going down a different path.  He has made me question, sometimes VERY unwillingly (with much yelling and heartache,) what it would be to have faith in something that’s not a THING.  That’s not a higher POWER.  In, I guess, a design, or lack there of, of the universe.  I don’t know that he’s 100% chaos theory bound, but something to that tune.  I, personally, have always believed in a soul.  There is something so beyond impulses and equations and happenstance – coincidence cannot be all that there is.  But I have started to entertain the theory that maybe our being, or immortal being, is our energy.  As if our memory, built by those we know and love and touch and even pass by in the street, becomes manifest after our physical body is gone.  And though those people cannot remember us forever, our influence, butterfly effect on the rest of history, keeps that memory going.  That combined with the stuff that is US that is not our guts may very well live in a heaven of those before us, watching the lives of others grow and die for eternity.  Because energy never actually leaves.

All of this, the forays into Christianity, into science, the roots of my liberalism to allow for those around me to live and love and create and do good in their own way, makes me wonder if I will ever have something I can put in front of my children and say, this is the way, this is the path to be a good and wonderful person.  Right now, that path is broad, and I truly don’t know if I will ever walk a straight and narrow, or zigzag along it’s breadth.

My dear, sweet, unborns: Be kind.  Be strong. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in those things that make you giddy and happy beyond belief, like music and kisses and summer skies. Have faith that things will be okay.  Do not regret your errors, for they are your retroactive destiny: all of your decisions create a path before you.  You do not gain the good things without suffering.  I do not get to be with Matt without making some poor decisions in my past.  But I look at the path that brought me here, and I am grateful for all the good and bad choices that brought me to him.  My children will be born of that retroactive destiny as well.  Their gender, their upbringing, will all depend on what was before.  So, dear ones, please understand that bad choices can lead to good ends.  But, above all else, know that

You.

Are.

Loved.

Knowing this will get you through your trials. Believe in that and you will find your mountains climbable.  Because knowing you are loved will lead to self love, and love to others.  That’s just the nature of it.

To end on a fun note:

Because you gotta have faith 🙂

 

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Filed under happiness abounds, Music, Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Things About Me

***This was also from my “other” blog, posted originally on feb. 24th, 2013***

I’d like to say a few things about myself.  Here are some negative things:

I scream.  I yell and curse and say “fuck” a lot when I’m mad.  I get really crazy rage feeling like I’m bursting at the seams with emotion, all of them shades of hate and anger.  I lash out at those I love.  Maybe because I’m trying to push them away.  Maybe because I know they’ll still love me.  Either way, it’s no fun for either of us, and it’s not fair. It’s mean and scary and hateful.

I do not like myself.  I am the exact opposite of the #1 fan when it comes to me.  I have a hard time saying nice things about myself without sarcasm or immediately negating it in the next sentence.  For example: “Yeah, I think I’m a pretty good writer. I mean sometimes. Well, no, not at all, I pretty much suck, but, whatevs.”

I stress eat.  I don’t know if it’s like binge eating or anything that you could really diagnose, but I definitely eat when I feel anything bad or sad or even when I get sick and I’m not hungry, I eat.  This TOTALLY helps my weight and therefore, my self esteem.

Here are some positive things:

K, having a hard time with this one.

Okay, I’m super loyal to my friends and family.  This past weekend I went home to see them all since my parents had come to visit me in St. Louis (I’m from Minnesota originally.) I got so stressed out trying to fit in a decent amount of time with everyone I overreacted to something and ended up crying in front of my friend.  If I could I would have spent four days with just one of them.  I felt like I couldn’t really devote enough time to anyone, but I think they all knew how much I loved being there.

I am somewhat talented in a few things, like writing and crocheting and playing trombone and singing.  I have a B.A. in Music, which is about as useful as a B.A. in English (think “Avenue Q”) but hey, at least it’s a good conversation starter.

I’m GREAT at social situations.  Sometimes I can be overly aggressive depending on the circumstances in which i meet people, but I’ve worked hard at just being pleasant and not letting my out-going nature get out of hand.  Usually it gets that way when I’m either over-confident or nervous, so I just try to keep myself in check and try not to talk too much ( I talk a. lot.) So, usually, I come off as nice and kinda funny and fun.

I’m just putting this out there. I’d like to try and be honest somewhere where it doesn’t necessarily matter.  Also, if anyone else is looking to relate to someone who is not that great, but trying to be better, why not me?  I’m going to try to write every day, but I’m not sure if that will stick.  Hopefully it does.

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Filed under Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

3/7/12

Song: White Blank Page Group: Mumford & Sons Album: Sigh No More Year: 2009

UPDATE!!

I think I’m just going to start writing and go until I feel like I should be done.  I haven’t updated in awhile, and have been very bad on posting in regards to the experiment with vocab and music, which is too bad because it’s super fun to do, just a bit more time consuming than I figured it would be.  Still, I think I found some really amazing groups and expanded my horizons a bit, which is great, and really, the whole point.  I think I will continue to seek out new music (and new civilizations?) in this way still and may or may not post about them.   I think I felt a little defeated by “effete” when I couldn’t really find any songs that I felt were super awesome.  ALSO I don’t have internet in the casa de bunnah (that is a terrible name, what is bunny in Spanish?  yeah, and I haven’t even tried to learn Spanish, boo.  Wish I remembered any German. MC is on his way to Berlin and I couldn’t even help him, it’s like it all leaked out of my head – I wonder what that would look like, head leaking . . . longest aside EVAH, probably not though) so I am NOT able to work on this crap at home.  Stupid next door guy left quite abruptly and without warning last Saturday.  But Kj, you might say if we were on speaking terms, what about the weeks before this past Saturday?  Well, I’m glad we’re not on speaking terms because then I don’t have to answer your question.  Though the answer would be, I’m a bit lazy and like watching How I Met Your Mother a bit too much.

So I’m now full time at the job at THEBESTBANKEVER(REQUIRED) and by full time I mean I was hired on officially to work for them instead of through my temp agency.  This means benefits people!  Haven’t had those in awhile, I’m surprised I have teeth . . .

MC and I are doing well. Nuff said on that.  There have been a few times that I would love to post some stuff in regards to being in a relationship and living with a boy, such as the first time you’re comfortable with announcing not only that you have to go to the bathroom but what you may be doing in there (he did it, not me, surprising.)  I just wonder though how embarrassing it is for the people that you talk about when discussing relationship stuff on the WORLD wide web.  If you’re the type to really get into all of the nitty-gritty on a public site, is there any protection for your loved (or not so loved) ones?  Also, when you write about sex/love/relationships, or paint/draw/make music how does the person on the other end feel?  It’s one thing to write poems and see what they think about it, another thing to open it up the the forum of the human race.  Or what about people who write advice columns on sex/love – what do their mothers think of them? Fathers? Siblings?  Best friends?  I guess if I was a friend to someone who wrote about intimate things in a public space I would try my best to support it, but you may have to have a thick skin and realize this is about them, not you.  I wonder how many people take into consideration where the experience comes from for these fonts of information.  Also, if the “experience” could have a say, what would their response be to advice given or what their take was on an anecdote?

I once read a blog called “M&(ampersand)K” and it was about a boy and a girl who had struggled with being friends or more than friends for 10 years.  It was like a rom-com gone sour – the point was for both parties to post about their side of a pre-determined topic or event, which would be published on the blog site by a third party.  Neither M nor K was supposed to read the responses for a whole year.  The experiment lasted I think only about 6 months or so.  There ended up being people who followed the blog that would comment and say horrible things, mostly about the female who I think was M but I can’t remember.  The site is now defunct so I can’t go back, but it was quite the engrossing melodrama.  Friends got involved posting in defense of either party, which also wasn’t supposed to be part of the experiment, and at one point M & K both peeked at the blog and ruined the experiment.  All in all it was a disaster and there were a lot of hurt feelings.

ANYWAY the point is that I would actually like to attempt such a blog posting but the biggest difference would be that there would be very few rules and MC and I would only wait until both people posted to see the responses.  I think it would be both honest and stupid at the same time.  I feel that there are a lot of issues that should have a place to be discussed and more openly.  As a female there are still things that aren’t discussed in certain circles pertaining to our sexuality unless you want the Cosmo version.  Now hey, I like Cosmo, I think it’s funny and has some really great tips here and there, but so many times I just want to slap my forehead.

Because of the aforementioned no internet blues I went to my local library and borrowed a bunch of DVD’s and tv shows on tape to watch while cooking & folding laundry (who am I kidding, while I sit and, well, sit :))  including Sex and the City.  The thing that gets me about this show, and about Cosmo & other relationship revolving media, is the idea that you still can’t be 100% yourself around this person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Recently I read in Cosmo things you shouldn’t do to keep the sex alive in the relationship as well as pointers as to how to do these things in a different capacity.  For instance – slipping out of bed early on a Sunday to brush your teeth and then climb back into bed to give your man a minty fresh first kiss of the morning.  REALLY?  We’re still perpetuating this crap?  Remember this article was supposed to be written for an audience who is part of a long term relationship and living together.  If that man/woman isn’t willing to kiss you with your acrid morning mouth (and let’s face it, you probably BOTH have bad breath) what’s the point?  And if you’re married, and you’ve vowed the for better or for worse, would this really fall into the “for worse” category?  But I guess my REAL issue with this is 2-fold: 1) No indication that your partner is supposed to reciprocate said stealthy minty-ness, so putting the pressure on your probably mostly female readership to maintain unattainable perfection, and 2) That if your partner really had a problem with your breath, or you with theirs, that you wouldn’t maybe talk about it a bit and either forgo the in-bed-just-woke-up kiss and wait for routine brushing, or suck it up and deal.

And that one isn’t even a big deal thing.  You could totally be cute and go brush your teeth before your partner wakes up – go for it!  Maybe Cosmo just gave you an idea for something you’ve been grappling with.  It’s the implication that there is no room for discussion with someone you claim to love.  That there are things you need to hide from them, that you shouldn’t put your whole disgusting mess of being human out on the table.  If you love that person and live with them, therefore intending to make them in some way your family, you shouldn’t have to hide.

Now, this does not go without saying that you should still be considerate, but to be considerate still involves talking, voicing opinions, listening to each other, observing each other, and respecting each other.  I come from a family that has a pretty much no holds barred attitude when it comes to things like mucus but we’re definitely not hippie free love about subjects surrounding sex.  Still, I’ve always felt that if I needed to I could show my mom my giant wad of green boogers that came out my nose AND talk to her about first times or vag-related topics.  Now, the latter might be met with some uncomfortable sarcasm and awkward pauses, but eventually we’d be able to have a discussion.  If you just NEED to talk about certain things but your partner really doesn’t want to, then you have to find the middle ground and possibly seek out others. BUT! First you need to approach it and second, you need to trust your partner that if the shit really hits the fan you can discuss it with them.

I always used to be scared of my “secrets” getting out.  I relate a lot to the movies and tv I watch and to the books I read.  In Meet Joe Black one of the characters, Quince is explaining to Death (Joe) played by the beautiful Brad Pitt that when you’re married, you tell each other all of your secrets, and then “you’re free.”  This terrified me, because first I thought no, the person I’m with will reject me and second I thought, well what if the knowledge does the opposite and you’re both weighed down, and third, the awful thought of possible breakup, which means the secrets are just out there, an anecdote for the ex to use while metaphorically burning you in effigy with the new love of his life.

But with MC I know it’s different.  I knew going into this that this was real.  And so, over time, I’ve given him the full 411.  It was hard, and I’m sure there are still things to discover.  He 1) didn’t reject me, but loved me more, and 2) Quince was right: oh wise and wonderful fictional man – I AM FREE.  And in turn, so is he, to, over time, let me in on all of his stuff.

As for 3) the possibility of breakup – Well, I hope I don’t have to worry about that, but I trust that this will not become fodder for “story time with MC.”

But of course, I would be just as bad as the rest of relationship media if I said this is absolutely the way it is.  But really, when have you ever heard that honesty, trust, and respect wasn’t the right way to go?  I guess maybe, if I could suggest, keep it as a food for thought, these 10 and a half cents of mine: The next time you read a Cosmo or watch a rom-com think about it for a bit: is that main character having to bend over backward, turn themselves inside out to be with someone who supposedly loves them? Personally I think broke-backed-organs-on-the-outside-skin-flayed-zombies are hot, but not necessarily someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

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Filed under Personal Musings