Stuck in my head EVERY. MORNING.

I was trying to think of things I could write about today, like, the crazy dreams I’ve been having (Ex: my throat was super sore from being sick and it made it into my dream that this meant I was turning into an assassin)  Or the fact that I wasn’t able to walk to the train stop this morning due to icky weather conditions.  But, instead, I decide to write about the thing that is stuck in my head: “Some Nights” by Fun.  Seriously, EVERY. MORNING.  And it’s always the end of the bridge when they layer “oh come on . . . oh come on . . . oh come on . . . OH COME ON!!!!!” and in my head this last one goes on forever because that’s how I sing it in the car.  Oddly enough, I don’t hate this song, which I should, because it’s been stuck there for at least a couple months.  Instead, I get happy.  It doesn’t necessarily motivate me or anything, but I do just get a moment’s rush as I hear the drums slam in again.  I am such a sucker for that moment in a song when it goes acapella and then the instruments come in again to drive to the end. Every time. Any song. It’s always awesome.

Also, does it say something about me, or anyone, what songs get stuck in their head?  My boyfriend’s go-to song stuck in his head is “Come On Eileen.”  After 6 months of that it is damn annoying.  I mean, it’s so fun! They have overalls, and say things like “tulu-rei-aye” or however you spell it.  Did you know they’re a band again? Here’s the song if you don’t know it:

For my boyfriend, Matt, this brings him back to hanging out with his best friends from college.  One of the girls in the group put together a video/slide show of them hanging out at a cabin the one summer and had “Come on Eileen” as part of the soundtrack.  He loves those guys so much – they have a dream of living in a commune together with a restaurant and a sustainable garden = life time friends.

Another friend of mine has had “Africa” by Toto stuck in his head for what he says has been like, 6 years.  Don’t know why though:

Other than this song being EPIC.  Seriously, I want Matt to bless some rains for me, anywhere.  (Side note: if he knew that he’d do it because he’s awesome and wonderful:) )

If anyone would be willing to post a comment, I’d love to know what has been stuck in your head, and if you love it or hate it.

Also, I walked a total of 5.3 miles yesterday and did a full grocery run at Aldi that came to only $78.00 – I freakin’ love Aldi, you have NO IDEA.  Those were the most exciting things about my day yesterday, I’m so . . . cool . . .


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Things About Me

***This was also from my “other” blog, posted originally on feb. 24th, 2013***

I’d like to say a few things about myself.  Here are some negative things:

I scream.  I yell and curse and say “fuck” a lot when I’m mad.  I get really crazy rage feeling like I’m bursting at the seams with emotion, all of them shades of hate and anger.  I lash out at those I love.  Maybe because I’m trying to push them away.  Maybe because I know they’ll still love me.  Either way, it’s no fun for either of us, and it’s not fair. It’s mean and scary and hateful.

I do not like myself.  I am the exact opposite of the #1 fan when it comes to me.  I have a hard time saying nice things about myself without sarcasm or immediately negating it in the next sentence.  For example: “Yeah, I think I’m a pretty good writer. I mean sometimes. Well, no, not at all, I pretty much suck, but, whatevs.”

I stress eat.  I don’t know if it’s like binge eating or anything that you could really diagnose, but I definitely eat when I feel anything bad or sad or even when I get sick and I’m not hungry, I eat.  This TOTALLY helps my weight and therefore, my self esteem.

Here are some positive things:

K, having a hard time with this one.

Okay, I’m super loyal to my friends and family.  This past weekend I went home to see them all since my parents had come to visit me in St. Louis (I’m from Minnesota originally.) I got so stressed out trying to fit in a decent amount of time with everyone I overreacted to something and ended up crying in front of my friend.  If I could I would have spent four days with just one of them.  I felt like I couldn’t really devote enough time to anyone, but I think they all knew how much I loved being there.

I am somewhat talented in a few things, like writing and crocheting and playing trombone and singing.  I have a B.A. in Music, which is about as useful as a B.A. in English (think “Avenue Q”) but hey, at least it’s a good conversation starter.

I’m GREAT at social situations.  Sometimes I can be overly aggressive depending on the circumstances in which i meet people, but I’ve worked hard at just being pleasant and not letting my out-going nature get out of hand.  Usually it gets that way when I’m either over-confident or nervous, so I just try to keep myself in check and try not to talk too much ( I talk a. lot.) So, usually, I come off as nice and kinda funny and fun.

I’m just putting this out there. I’d like to try and be honest somewhere where it doesn’t necessarily matter.  Also, if anyone else is looking to relate to someone who is not that great, but trying to be better, why not me?  I’m going to try to write every day, but I’m not sure if that will stick.  Hopefully it does.

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Filed under Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Jenny Lawson’s “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened,” – Stories that are hard to forget

I am The Great Mouse Hamlet!

I am The Great Mouse Hamlet!

One Sentence Review: Amazingly weird stories with a really long wind down to the conclusion, funny overall but not necessarily laugh out loud.

This is one of those memoirs that make me realize I’m NEVER going to be cool enough to write a memoir.  I’m relatively new to the memoir genre reading-wise (I knew they existed and what they were) and reading celebrity memoirs of course you kind of feel like, wow, they have a cool life, of course I want to read about them!  But when a regular person writes about things that never in a million years will happen to you, it takes you back a step.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my arm crushed in a retracted cow-vagina, nor do I want to have debilitating physical or mental issues, but it does make me question my daily routine.

Jenny Lawson’s life has been far from routine, starting with her back-country background with dead squirrel puppets from her father and the cow-vagina incident, and ending with her nerd fame as “The Bloggess.”  As someone who was read the book first and the blog second, I would recommend some background blog reading first, only because I think you’re supposed to go in with the fore-knowledge that she may be whacky/funny/crass on the internet, but her home life is very different.  After she tells about the craziness that was growing up she starts to lift the veil on her social disorder and her then following physical disorder.  Her previous stories now are made a bit more clear, her being the only goth girl in the county, hell, maybe the whole of East Texas, because she wasn’t JUST an introvert.

This doesn’t become a downer of a book though, once this is revealed.  She shows her strength by continuing to be funny, retelling her domestic adventures of buying 5 foot tall metal roosters.

I only have two real criticisms: first is that there seems to be a few points where the book could have ended.  Now, I listened to the audio book and while entertaining, it got a bit long.  She seems to wrap it up in the first real return to her family’s home (in the book) and she and her sister sit on the porch realizing this family home isn’t THEIR family home, so therefore they’re not responsible for getting the goats out of the house.  But the book keeps going for the equivalent of at least an hour on the audio book.  The stories are still good, but feel a bit redundant.

The other is that once they’re married, much of the interactions between her and her husband make her seem like someone I would not want to live with.  She doesn’t ever seem to explain things to him as he walks in on her sprawled out flat on the floor, stuff scattered everywhere and the dog barking his head off.  Instead of giving him the real and reasonable explanation, she answers questions with questions and finally flippant, sarcastic answers that are only half the story, then rolls her eyes and gives up on really letting him in.  She comes off as superior and never taking responsibility.  I have a feeling that this isn’t how things actually happen between them, though.  I think it may just be a funnier version of a not-funny-at-the-time situation.  When it came to those stories, I had to remind myself of what she’s really going through, the mentally and physically draining problems she has.  In this way she’s actually holding the reader at arms length, even though she’s let us inside the many layers of her world.

To that I say, continue to let us in, or else what’s the point?  Still a really good book and I definitely recommend it to anyone who has ever felt weird and is okay with the word Vagina being repeated multiple times.  🙂

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Screw you, Hormones

I thought about starting a second blog for like, personal feelings, but I realized that was dumb, so I’m putting them here instead.  this is from 2/23/13

This is basically what I want to say to myself right now.  I have now had some sort of skirmish with Matt each day for the past three days.  He forgives me and he knows I love him, but this is just jacked up.  Luckily, I can blame this on Girl Time, but what a piece of shit excuse.  Why you gotta hate on me hormones?  Why do I have to feel all crazy rage and inept and yell at the person I love?  Boo.  Just. Boo.  Dear Hormones, Please leave me the EFF alone.




Filed under ugh! feelings . . .


Sometimes I wish I could start my day at the end and work backward. When i decide to stay up late, which is often, I gain this moment of clarity, and a spark of momentum. My chest feels hollow and deep, and yet my heart’s throb fills the void creating a dizzying rush of blood that tingles from finger tips to tips of toes: I could fly. Fly into the sky of possibility and wonder, the dark sky before me, hollow and deep, waiting for my potential to fill it with throbbing life. All the things I’m going to do tomorrow, all the goals I’m going to accomplish, all the drive that I feel now, for tomorrow: I want to encapsulate it and take the dose in the morning.

But I am tired tomorrow morning. And the world’s darkness is heavy and suffocating. I am now afraid of my goals. Maybe they look scarier because my eyes can’t focus and they are multiplying, hulking and fuzzy. I’m hungover after a night of wishful thinking. Because the wishful thinking didn’t prepare me to take on the challenges I laid before myself the night before. The challenges, now landmines, lie in wait, inevitable destruction.

And so I stay on the side of safety, keep my head down and avoid challenging myself, promising myself that tomorrow I will challenge the field before me. I will make my plans by the light of the next moon, and tomorrow, tomorrow, I will go in a blaze of fire and light, my life bursting through the stitched boundaries of my flesh.

A crimson phoenix flash, born from the ashes of yesterdays.

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“It’s not the getting, it’s not the giving, it’s the love”*

I know many out there find the holidays to merely be a distraction from the hum-drums of everyday life.  I know that the commercialism of Christmas and the length of the season is utterly ridiculous, stretching always closer to the goal of the industry: to make it a year round shopping event.  I mean, I know many Christmas songs urge us to keep the season of giving in our hearts all year through, but I don’t know that they meant having super-early-bird-sale-extravaganza for 9 months of the year.

But, ultimately, I know that the Holidays are the best excuse for those living far from home to reconnect with the ones we love.  I am not a religious person, and I’m not sure I should even really be celebrating Christmas, but for me it is a tradition that brings joy and laughter and family and friends into my household and always yields much kindness and love.  This year is no exception as many of my family members went above and beyond to make sure I still was able to participate.  Back in August I realized I had really screwed the pooch when my boss told me I had run out of vacation time.  This is my first year in the new job and, really, my first grown up job, so I didn’t really get what a “pro-rated 2 weeks of vacation” meant.  When it came down to it, it meant no Christmas vacation.  I called my mom in tears letting her know I had screwed up so badly.  In BESTMOMEVER fashion she told me it would all be okay.

And it was.  Way to go BESTMOMEVER!!

Because she is lucky to be flanked by BESTDAD and BESTBRO.  BESTBRO really bent over backward to make sure all four of us were together as he sacrificed shifts at his delivery job to join my mom and dad in a trip down to StL.

This, however, wasn’t the end of the awesome that was my Christmas this year.  We usually spend Christmas with my mom’s family and when we asked those of them in Minnesota if they would come out to my parents house the Saturday before to celebrate they all obliged.  They had jobs and kids and other things numerous to compete with, but they changed their plans just so we could all spend the holiday together.

I left StL Friday night after work on a plane and then got to spend Saturday with my extended family in MN.  My nuclear family then drove back down to StL to make sure I was with family on Christmas Eve into Christmas Day.  The Eve part of this was crucial as the four of us have always spent it together, and we have a very specific dinner which has changed in minuscule ways over the years.  My brother and I staunchly stick to this traditional dinner of steak, lobster (for Mom and Bro), french fries, peas, button mushrooms, crescent rolls, and french silk pie.  Weird? No. It’s AWESOME.  And, with it, came the tradition of much laughter and merriment as the four of us sat around the same table for the first time in probably a year to the day.  George Winston’s “December” played in the background, and candles lit the meal, and even though we were in a hotel room (a pretty swank hotel room I must say) it was home.

If you know what I mean by this, you’re a lucky person.  I know I am.  I may even say that it was a small miracle, with all the pieces falling into place just so, and just at the last minute.  Because my brother was able to take time off and get shifts covered, and I was able to come up the Friday before, and my parents both had the time, and neither my brother nor I have kids and do have understanding significant others, and all those things meant that we four could be together.  It feels like it may be the last time in awhile.

But I know it won’t be the last.
Merry Christmas, everyone, and may the true spirit of the Holiday, love and family, be present in your homes.

*Bonus if you know what this is from!

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Challenge Accepted!

This year I’ve attempted a LOT of things.  To exercise more, to crochet more, eat healthier, write more, and join groups (and then actually attend outings with said groups) just to name a few.  I know there are challenges and goals we all set for ourselves, and many of us do fall short, including myself, over, and over, and over . . .  It’s a bit worrisome at times.  It feels like failure.  I mean, how could it not?

Well, today (or rather, Friday night) I DID accomplish something: If you check out my sidebar I posted a Reading Challenge through the site Goodreads.  Because I am 26 this year I decided to read 26 books starting in January of 2012.  Last year I tried to do this and only did about 19 out of the 25 book goal I set for myself.  But this year, I DID IT!!  I read all 26 books, and it feels good.  It may seem a little lame, especially to my friends who read quite a bit more than I do (my friend Kim read 100 books before the end of the year, achieving her goal by about October I believe) but this is probably the most books I’ve ever read in 1 year.  I think I like movies and television a bit too much, but oh well.

And the books were fantastic.  Almost all were books I had never read before, and each of them were so different, even if they were from a series.  They were all fiction – I attempted some non-fiction and then set them aside – and ranged from real to surreal.  None of them were epic by any means but all of them, even the YA fiction, gave a new perspective and left me with something to think about.  This, in the end, is really the minimum you should ask of a book – give me something to chew on, even with the fluffy, beach read type books.  Give me a new perspective on relationships, on history, on culture, on sex and love and hope and meaning and the devil and heaven.  What does it mean to be a woman, a man?  How does it feel to experience the world in someone else’s skin?  And not once did the books end the way I predicted, not exactly.

I guess the same can also be said of the challenges I put in front of myself in general.  Even if the goal isn’t achieved I’ve been trying my best to be happy with what I’ve attempted and learn from those things.  They didn’t all get the follow through I’d like but that didn’t mean I walked away with nothing.

So, hooray to achieving goals, and here’s to another year of challenges 🙂


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