Category Archives: Personal Musings

There be Tree Dragons in there!

He hath conquered the tree!

He hath conquered the tree!

Forest Park on the first nice day I’ve been able to enjoy.  Sometimes I love to wander and make up games and climb things that I’m able to climb.  Not pictured: a sand mound that was taller than me = lots of sand in my shoes.  This, however, is the secret lair of the Tree Dragon!!!!   Which doesn’t breathe fire = probably for the best.  Hey, I don’t make the rules, Matt does, as is obvious from his conquering nature captured in a rare moment atop the Tree Dragon Lair.  We did not spy the tree dragon, but it lurks it does . . .

This is basically my way of saying last Thursday Matt and I thoroughly enjoyed prancing through the park for a couple hours before I went to office max and bought ORANGE pens and white out and I felt it deserved a mention because hanging out with him is pretty much awesome the end.

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Filed under Fitness, happiness abounds, Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Coffee Induced Bliss!!

Today I am awesome – not sure why, but I feel good 🙂 Gettin’ s*** done, SON! and possible a bit of a caffeine/sugar rush from my Large White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks (not venti, I’m not stuck up.) I’m getting the “excited it’s spring!!” bug and I just want to DO ALL THE THINGS and be the best I can be. I also just fell in love with my friends baby girls all over again, I miss them, but I think I know what my next crafty project will be. Here is today’s inspiration, though honestly I prefer Superman, but my girlfriend Shannon is a Batman fan so her cute-as-a-button baby WILL have this on her wall, I will make it so!

batman

 

Ride your day out on one of my favorite YAY IT’S SPRING songs:

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Filed under crafty like a FOX!, happiness abounds, Music, Personal Musings

Today during our Monthly Meeting at my JOB I wrote a poem

I stretch and contract
the trails etched in my hands
the paths along my face
sloping, peaking, curving, bumping
dappled, dimpled
cave, crevice, fold, crease
cracking, crunching
erupting.
I am a Map of the World.

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Filed under Personal Musings, poetry, ugh! feelings . . ., writing

Who wouldn’t be excited?

I meant to post about this  last week at some point.  I’ll try to make this brief (good luck to me.)

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/03/04/173258954/scientists-report-first-cure-of-hiv-in-a-child-say-its-a-game-changer

A child is being deemed cured of HIV – I repeat: who isn’t excited about this? I don’t have cable right now, aka no tv, and I’ve always been bad about reading print news, and I don’t have a lot of chances to listen to the radio as I take the train and it gets a bad signal. But I hope people are talking about this.  THIS is what it means to live in the 21st Century!

Some Thoughts (one good, one inappropriate):

The Good:  This is better than flying cars.  HIV and AIDS are atrocious and those who suffer from it do just that: they suffer.  For years if they’re lucky.  Yes.  Lucky suffering.  Of all the things we were promised for the 21st Century, curing a disease like this, making it something that can be lived with or outlived, is amazing.  Even if it’s a small step.  Even if it’s potentially false.  It is amazing to think we have gotten that much closer to stomping out a fatal and terrible illness.  This little girl’s survival is a symbol of hope and prosperity, the truth to the science fiction.  She is also a child who doesn’t have to suffer.  Whose family gets to keep their little girl alive and well.  Thanks be to humanity!  Thank you for focusing on this and not on space needle dwellings and robot maids!

The Inappropriate: I really don’t want this to start the zombie epidemic.  I really have to get in shape . . .

 

 

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Filed under Fitness, Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Faith

I think about being a parent.  I think about it about as much as I plan my wedding in my head.  I’m pretty cliched when it comes to that, so I think you will understand that it’s a lot and a half.

I worry about the kids I don’t have yet.  My biggest worry is that they will be unkind.  I also worry that they’ll hate me and make poor choices that punish themselves in hopes to punish me and my spouse.

I worry about the grandparents.  What they’ll think about my way of doing things to bring up that child.

My final worry is their faith.  By no means is this a complete list of my worries and fears, but this one is both the last and one of the greatest.  I put it at the bottom of the list because I haven’t figured out my own.  I am not religious.  I don’t believe that Jesus is my savior.  Or any of the other profits.  I hate to call myself agnostic, but then again, I’m not sure what else I would be categorized as.  I’m a person who is okay, good even, with labels, so I’m okay with one not sticking to me right now.  I’ll let the faith label slide.

So, today, I want to post what my faith feels like right now, and what I hope to teach my unborn children.

Faith, from my perspective, is severely influenced.  I’ve thought so since I was in the 4th grade.  I remember have the conversation with my friend Kendra Lee who went to a non-denominational church.  I had attended church with her, as I had with quite a few friends growing up.  It was fun and had games and prizes and a movie and a puppet show – far from my experience with my family, both branches of which were Catholic.  I asked her during a sleep over, when I was in 4th grade, how she could claim that Jesus was the one and only savior?  Her faith was unwavering, which is normal in the heart of a child.  I asked her, what if a man in China, who was Buddhist, or whatever (I wasn’t sure) but something other than Christian, was raised Buddhist, married, had a wife and children, which he raised Buddhist.  He was a good man, hard working, loving, kind, charitable, and did all he could to be a good person.  What if this person was never introduced to Christ?  Or, even if he was, does he automatically go to Hell for not knowing, or not believing?  Her answer was a resounding YES.

And I lost what inkling of faith I had in Jesus Christ.  I felt stirrings of faith, usually when I attended COW or Church On Wednesdays with my friends in High School – usually with the songs.  For whatever reason, those cheesy Christian rock/pop-esque songs spoke to me, I would feel joy as they praised Him.  I would sing along – it’s never been difficult for me to pick up a tune and lyrics – and it felt like praise to something larger than myself.  But it would die out once the Youth Pastor began to speak about spreading “The Word.”  It has always felt arrogant to me, to preach that yours is the one true way. How the heck do WE know?  Isn’t it POSSIBLE that God would present themselves as different things to different cultures?  Really, that’s never been something you’ve pondered?  Isn’t it POSSIBLE that the humans who relayed this message, who wrote these stories, were trying to steer people to the light, by any means necessary?  In the United States, politicians are known to base their decisions on faith.  Take, for example, the Representative who based his Pro-Life position on his faith.  I respect his faith, but not his decision to impose it on his constituents, because here we have a democracy held up by a republic, and therefore your decisions should be based on creating policies that are beyond your personal faith.  But, when the religions were being created, there was no such separation.  In many countries there still isn’t.  So, to say that my God is right and your God is wrong and to believe in them, or to not believe in mine, means you are punished for all time, I’m sorry, but I can’t stand by that.

It also felt arrogant to pretend I had a personal relationship with God.  At heart I am a humble, to the point of destructive, person.  Why would He do good things for me, just because I asked? This is why, when I prayed, I prayed either for good weather (for my family’s annual trip to Valley Fair (like Six Flags but in MN, so therefore more awesome)) or for my brother.  As a big sister I have always worried about my younger brother.  School, social life, dealing with parents, it always seemed harder for him.  He was sensitive, growing up, and I wanted to protect him.  I wanted God to protect him, to show him the way, to be strong when he couldn’t, and to help him stay safe, to open up to the love his family had for him.  I felt that if I were praying for someone else, then those might get rewarded.  I still feel that it’s selfish to pray for myself.  So, if I do pray, you can bet it will be for you rather than me.  There are a lot of self-esteem issues wrapped up in that, not being able to hope good things for yourself and all of that, but I still find it to be a noble task.

So where does this bring me?  I truly believe that had I stayed with and married Steve, I would probably have found my love for Catholicism.  Being that I love Matt, I find myself going down a different path.  He has made me question, sometimes VERY unwillingly (with much yelling and heartache,) what it would be to have faith in something that’s not a THING.  That’s not a higher POWER.  In, I guess, a design, or lack there of, of the universe.  I don’t know that he’s 100% chaos theory bound, but something to that tune.  I, personally, have always believed in a soul.  There is something so beyond impulses and equations and happenstance – coincidence cannot be all that there is.  But I have started to entertain the theory that maybe our being, or immortal being, is our energy.  As if our memory, built by those we know and love and touch and even pass by in the street, becomes manifest after our physical body is gone.  And though those people cannot remember us forever, our influence, butterfly effect on the rest of history, keeps that memory going.  That combined with the stuff that is US that is not our guts may very well live in a heaven of those before us, watching the lives of others grow and die for eternity.  Because energy never actually leaves.

All of this, the forays into Christianity, into science, the roots of my liberalism to allow for those around me to live and love and create and do good in their own way, makes me wonder if I will ever have something I can put in front of my children and say, this is the way, this is the path to be a good and wonderful person.  Right now, that path is broad, and I truly don’t know if I will ever walk a straight and narrow, or zigzag along it’s breadth.

My dear, sweet, unborns: Be kind.  Be strong. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in those things that make you giddy and happy beyond belief, like music and kisses and summer skies. Have faith that things will be okay.  Do not regret your errors, for they are your retroactive destiny: all of your decisions create a path before you.  You do not gain the good things without suffering.  I do not get to be with Matt without making some poor decisions in my past.  But I look at the path that brought me here, and I am grateful for all the good and bad choices that brought me to him.  My children will be born of that retroactive destiny as well.  Their gender, their upbringing, will all depend on what was before.  So, dear ones, please understand that bad choices can lead to good ends.  But, above all else, know that

You.

Are.

Loved.

Knowing this will get you through your trials. Believe in that and you will find your mountains climbable.  Because knowing you are loved will lead to self love, and love to others.  That’s just the nature of it.

To end on a fun note:

Because you gotta have faith 🙂

 

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Filed under happiness abounds, Music, Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .

Stuck in my head EVERY. MORNING.

I was trying to think of things I could write about today, like, the crazy dreams I’ve been having (Ex: my throat was super sore from being sick and it made it into my dream that this meant I was turning into an assassin)  Or the fact that I wasn’t able to walk to the train stop this morning due to icky weather conditions.  But, instead, I decide to write about the thing that is stuck in my head: “Some Nights” by Fun.  Seriously, EVERY. MORNING.  And it’s always the end of the bridge when they layer “oh come on . . . oh come on . . . oh come on . . . OH COME ON!!!!!” and in my head this last one goes on forever because that’s how I sing it in the car.  Oddly enough, I don’t hate this song, which I should, because it’s been stuck there for at least a couple months.  Instead, I get happy.  It doesn’t necessarily motivate me or anything, but I do just get a moment’s rush as I hear the drums slam in again.  I am such a sucker for that moment in a song when it goes acapella and then the instruments come in again to drive to the end. Every time. Any song. It’s always awesome.

Also, does it say something about me, or anyone, what songs get stuck in their head?  My boyfriend’s go-to song stuck in his head is “Come On Eileen.”  After 6 months of that it is damn annoying.  I mean, it’s so fun! They have overalls, and say things like “tulu-rei-aye” or however you spell it.  Did you know they’re a band again? Here’s the song if you don’t know it:

For my boyfriend, Matt, this brings him back to hanging out with his best friends from college.  One of the girls in the group put together a video/slide show of them hanging out at a cabin the one summer and had “Come on Eileen” as part of the soundtrack.  He loves those guys so much – they have a dream of living in a commune together with a restaurant and a sustainable garden = life time friends.

Another friend of mine has had “Africa” by Toto stuck in his head for what he says has been like, 6 years.  Don’t know why though:

Other than this song being EPIC.  Seriously, I want Matt to bless some rains for me, anywhere.  (Side note: if he knew that he’d do it because he’s awesome and wonderful:) )

If anyone would be willing to post a comment, I’d love to know what has been stuck in your head, and if you love it or hate it.

Also, I walked a total of 5.3 miles yesterday and did a full grocery run at Aldi that came to only $78.00 – I freakin’ love Aldi, you have NO IDEA.  Those were the most exciting things about my day yesterday, I’m so . . . cool . . .

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Filed under Fitness, Music, Personal Musings

Things About Me

***This was also from my “other” blog, posted originally on feb. 24th, 2013***

I’d like to say a few things about myself.  Here are some negative things:

I scream.  I yell and curse and say “fuck” a lot when I’m mad.  I get really crazy rage feeling like I’m bursting at the seams with emotion, all of them shades of hate and anger.  I lash out at those I love.  Maybe because I’m trying to push them away.  Maybe because I know they’ll still love me.  Either way, it’s no fun for either of us, and it’s not fair. It’s mean and scary and hateful.

I do not like myself.  I am the exact opposite of the #1 fan when it comes to me.  I have a hard time saying nice things about myself without sarcasm or immediately negating it in the next sentence.  For example: “Yeah, I think I’m a pretty good writer. I mean sometimes. Well, no, not at all, I pretty much suck, but, whatevs.”

I stress eat.  I don’t know if it’s like binge eating or anything that you could really diagnose, but I definitely eat when I feel anything bad or sad or even when I get sick and I’m not hungry, I eat.  This TOTALLY helps my weight and therefore, my self esteem.

Here are some positive things:

K, having a hard time with this one.

Okay, I’m super loyal to my friends and family.  This past weekend I went home to see them all since my parents had come to visit me in St. Louis (I’m from Minnesota originally.) I got so stressed out trying to fit in a decent amount of time with everyone I overreacted to something and ended up crying in front of my friend.  If I could I would have spent four days with just one of them.  I felt like I couldn’t really devote enough time to anyone, but I think they all knew how much I loved being there.

I am somewhat talented in a few things, like writing and crocheting and playing trombone and singing.  I have a B.A. in Music, which is about as useful as a B.A. in English (think “Avenue Q”) but hey, at least it’s a good conversation starter.

I’m GREAT at social situations.  Sometimes I can be overly aggressive depending on the circumstances in which i meet people, but I’ve worked hard at just being pleasant and not letting my out-going nature get out of hand.  Usually it gets that way when I’m either over-confident or nervous, so I just try to keep myself in check and try not to talk too much ( I talk a. lot.) So, usually, I come off as nice and kinda funny and fun.

I’m just putting this out there. I’d like to try and be honest somewhere where it doesn’t necessarily matter.  Also, if anyone else is looking to relate to someone who is not that great, but trying to be better, why not me?  I’m going to try to write every day, but I’m not sure if that will stick.  Hopefully it does.

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Filed under Personal Musings, ugh! feelings . . .